remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
