walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
