dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
