i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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