i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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