There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
