My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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