I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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