my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
