Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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