I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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