I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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