Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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