You're my little dorito
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
