Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
