Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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