Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
