Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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