I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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