just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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