I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
