that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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