booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
