dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
