im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
