she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
