mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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