you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
