I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
