Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
