He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
