Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
