My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
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I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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