My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
