How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
