so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
