I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dicks are not precious.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize