You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
