am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
