i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
