I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
