just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
