Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
