Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just invented taco cereal.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
