I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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