can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
