I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
