You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
