its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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