There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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