dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
