well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
