Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
