I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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