all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
