The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
