Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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