dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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