Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
