True but thats because hes a fetus.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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